the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.