the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.