The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
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Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”