Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name