the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
my favorite gender
Mornin
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Bro what is this
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious