the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I am patiently waiting for your email
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.