the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.