The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
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MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Mornin. * use accordingly
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
What happened to the other hiker??!
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*exercises sarcastically*
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you