The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.