the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
This could’ve been an email.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.