the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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Not all heroes wear capes….
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Liquor Store Parking
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Saw your ex at the shops
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
