the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.