Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.