The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
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How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Skills
I’m sorry…what?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”