The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
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This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.