The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
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The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.