Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

😍😂🥰😂😍

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions