Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.