The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
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Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Worlds greatest photobomb
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.