the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
How dramatic are you?
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor