Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

ㅤ

My flabber has been gasted.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times