the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.