the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
![]()
You Might Also Like
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Received some very disappointing news today
![]()
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
![]()
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
![]()
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.