The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
lumberjacks will cut a birch
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.