The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.