The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
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My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
