Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.