Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

respect

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*