The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
You Might Also Like
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.