The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
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*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.