The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
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You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
congratulations to them
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.