The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
You Might Also Like
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
This was the best day of my life
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.