The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
You Might Also Like
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
A man of commitment.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
they really do be looking like this
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.