Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.