Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.