Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.