Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.