The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
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I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
The prophecy is fulfilled
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.