The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.