Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOOO EEEET

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.