Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

they should invent a hydrating liquor

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥