The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
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Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
me and my fake scenarios
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard