The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
You Might Also Like
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
technique
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Perfect
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.