the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
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Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.