Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

Tuesday

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.