The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.