Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A Lamborghini.

Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.