The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.