The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
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[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?