The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
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Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.