Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.