Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you like your Corgi?

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

I didn’t come here to be called names