The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
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Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*