Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life