The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
You Might Also Like
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.