The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
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Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]