The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
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Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
WTF
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.