Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

Jesus steals the winter solstice

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.