@TheDeadfishSays

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

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@LOUD_Thoughts_

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@d_duhwit

Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.

@longwall26

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

@Contwixt

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

@AristotlesNZ

I went to M.C. Hammer’s house once. It was annoying. He won’t let you touch anything.

@chrisdelia

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

@Michael_Erhart

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

@SexySpacePrince

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!