The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

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Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many


Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.


I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.


Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.


I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me

But no, she’s still alive.


*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.


*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.


Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.