@TheDeadfishSays

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

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@MarfSalvador

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

@metickleu

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

@Importantest

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

@Tmoney68

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

@iMonkGreen

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

@Mom_Overboard

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

@xLiserx

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

@aissalanis

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.