The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
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kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Always the camel, never the toe.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here