Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

😭😭

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.