@chrisdowning

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

You Might Also Like

@ddsmidt

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

@FatherWithTwins

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

@POTerritory

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

@SarahB_D

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

@AudreyPorne

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

@mrace_ventura

“Did you do your homework?” “Did you grade my test?” “I have other student’s tests to grade.” “I have other teacher’s homework to do.”

@SteveKerr

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

@ArfMeasures

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

@causticbob

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.