The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

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Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*


I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.


General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.


If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.


If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.


“Did you do your homework?” “Did you grade my test?” “I have other student’s tests to grade.” “I have other teacher’s homework to do.”


One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…


Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag


An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.