The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
You Might Also Like
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
so i’m at the stock market right
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses