The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
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To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I’m not wrong
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back