Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”