Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ManicMouse

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

@Swishergirl24

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

@ShootyDoody

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

@envydatropic

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

@birbigs

3 Doors Down: “Okay, so we’ve named the band. Now what?”

@mommajessiec

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

@CornOnTheGoblin

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

@keeiks

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

@ElliotHetherton

*gets down on one knee*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am