@PetrickSara

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

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@suzieQ0007

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

@chuuew

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

@robdelaney

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

@Marlebean

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

@sir_shithead_I

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

@LoriGallucci

“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”