The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*