Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

Meow

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

British websites use biscuits.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*