The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
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I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!