The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.