the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
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Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.